The Blues

This is a post that I've been thinking about writing for a while, but have postponed it for one reason or another.  This is going to be more of a serious post, and possibly a little depressing, so if you're not up for that, just skip this post.  I will be talking about SAD and depression, which can make some people uncomfortable, so if you're one of those people, just skip this post.
I have been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  This means that as the seasons change, so does my mood.  A very mild case of this is called Winter Blues.  Unfortunately I have a rather moderate case of SAD.  For me this means that the short, dark days of winter send me into depression.  January and February are the hardest months because it's been dark for months and reprieve from winter is still months away.
Although the exact cause of SAD is still unclear, what scientists do know is that for some people (like myself) winter causes a chemical imbalance.  For people with SAD, one of those chemicals, melatonin (the sleep hormone), is produced all day long rather than just at night. The result is that I find it difficult to get out of bed every morning.  I feel sluggish and slow all day and just want to nap.  I feel like I am in a fog all the time and have difficulty focusing on things.  Studies show that people with SAD also crave carbs and sugars in the winter, which makes it difficult to eat healthy and control weight.  This definitely happens to me. And I am just easily depressed.
Do you ever have mornings when it's just really hard to get out of bed and you just want to lie there?  That's how I feel every morning in the winter.  And I just want to sleep all day, every day.  The problem is sleeping doesn't make it better.  If anything, it makes it worse.  If I am not treating my SAD I end up laying on the couch all day unable to function as I should.  I make sure my kids are fed and safe, but I often go without lunch, or at best I grab a hot dog or candy bar. I cannot force myself to engage in play with my kids.  I don't enjoy life.  I cry all the time at completely unpredictable things.
This is a bit of what life is like for me in the winter if I do not treat my SAD.  I've been dealing with symptoms of SAD since middle school (18 years ago) but I have had it consistently for about 11 years.  I was officially diagnosed with SAD just over 2 years ago, right before Aiden was born.  At that time my therapist recommended some treatments, but I didn't really do any of them. I ask myself why, but I think I was probably too depressed to do anything at that point.  In the past 4 years I've relied on a fabulous support network of family and friends.  This network has gotten me through the long and rather miserable winters here in Wisconsin.
But this winter I find myself without some of this support network.  Many of these friends have moved away for residencies in different states.  I've realized that I can't just rely on other people to help me with my SAD.
Since SAD is a seasonal depression I have been seeking treatment without medication.  This has included a conscious effort to eat healthier and exercise as well as getting as much sunlight as I can.  The biggest change has been my light box.  Studies have shown that light therapy helps "shut off" the daytime production of melatonin.  My light box looks just like this lightbox (image found here).

I sit with my light box in front of me everyday.  The idea is that the light mimics the sunlight and tricks the brain into shutting off the melatonin production.  My light box has a UV filter on it so it doesn't damage my eyes.  I like to do my scripture study and "fun" reading while I'm doing my light therapy.  Since we're in the depths of winter right now, I find I need about an hour and half of light therapy every morning in order to feel okay.
So I have light therapy, eating right and exercising to help me treat my SAD.  If I'm doing good and keeping up on doing these things I feel almost normal in the winter.  I can get up and do things, I have fun with my kids, and it's not a huge chore to make healthy(ish) food for my family.  Other things that would help treat my SAD, but that I'm not consistent with are the following: plan one not-chore thing I want to accomplish that day (get really ready with my hair and makeup done, write a letter to a friend, get a certain book from the library, sew something, etc) and work towards accomplishing it; going on regular dates with my sweetheart; getting outside on not too freezing days (just seeing the sun makes a huge difference); regular get togethers with friends; and any other thing that I can look forward to (like a play coming to town, a movie, or a holiday).
So why am I sharing all of this on my blog?  Well this is my reality right now.  I have to deal with my SAD every day and although it's not a pretty reality, it is my life.  I feel like many of the people who know me right now, may not know the real me.  I feel like the real me is how I am in the spring and summer when the days are longer and the sun comes out.  I have energy and I am out and about doing things, being with friends and creating things.  Sometimes I'm downright hyper with all the sunshine.  And you know what?  I love being that version of myself.  One of the hardest parts of having SAD is knowing who I am in the spring and not being able to be that person in the winter.  But I hope to find a treatment plan that will help me feel more like my "real" self.
In the meantime I hope that people who read this will come to understand me a little better and maybe even understand a little more about how the change in seasons affects them.  If you have any questions about SAD, feel free to talk with me about it.  I have enjoyed researching it and am an open book about my struggles with it.  If you want to read more about SAD I would HIGHLY recommend the book "Winter Blues: Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder" by Norman E. Rosenthal (the 4th edition is the most recent).  It has literally been a life changing book for me, and at the very least is very informative.